A couple years ago I wanted to re-ignite my love for reading. I was knee deep in diapers, tired to my core and didn’t own a shirt without a stain on it. Like other women in that position, I found myself wondering who the heck I was and wondering what I even enjoyed anymore. Although, there was a lot to that identity crisis and the depression I was experiencing, I found myself continually going back to some thoughts that I couldn’t shake; one of them being, “I was a healthier person when I read books regularly.”
I didn’t stop reading because I lost interest, rather, it was a progression of the thought that I lacked time and didn’t know what to read. As I began working right after highschool and no longer spent 5 days a week in a facility with an attached library. Naturally, I found myself reading less and less. It simply wasn’t a priority.
So as I made dinners every night, wiped noses and felt the existential loneliness that can sometimes accompany motherhood, I wondered how I would incorporate reading into my days of disorganization. I figured I would just start and then the habit would follow.
*Cue the chuckling of people who actually know how habits are formed*
Needless to say, I did a lot of failing.
My first attempts were to begin reading my bible again(I had started and stopped this habit over and over again as life and seasons changed). I woke up with a nursing baby every night and couldn’t sneak out of bed without him, so the classic morning bible study done in silence with a hot cup of coffee was out of the question. I began trying to read after everyone had had breakfast and I was sitting down nursing the baby. This was a fun game. He hated anything being in my hands because of course mommies are supposed to stare at their babies while they eat 100% of the time with undivided attention. So naturally when I broke my adorable 5 month olds rules he kicked anything I was holding out of my hands and off of my lap. So when the Bible kept flying across the room and my attempt at a healthier life along with it, I was as frustrated as a toddler with the wrong colored cup.
So I re-evaluated. If this is going to happen, I will have to create this opportunity for myself. So I would feed the kids, make sure the one potty training went potty, and two diapers were changed, baby nursed. Toys? Check. TV show? Check. Baby gate up? Check. *siiiigh* I can finally sit down with my bible and read.
As I sat down, opened my bible and sipped on a cup of freshly brewed coffee I was so thankful for all of my preparation. I had found the answer and I would now be able to read in peace. I really had gotten the hang of this mother-of-three thing, hadn’t I? I began reading when my son began fussing. He saw me from his play-mat and I wasn’t cooing over him. Who did I think I was? He began rolling toward me because who needs to learn to crawl when you’ve hacked the system? Immediately the feeling of being inconvenienced rose in me with guilt following closely behind. I decided I would persevere. I kept trying to read through the fussing. Then I smelled it, the soiled diaper. I decided to pause, change him and then get back to what I was doing.
As I began changing this smelly diaper my ears were assaulted with the sounds of sibling rivalry. I glanced at my girls who were about to engage in hand to hand combat. “You two need to wait!” I rationalized with the 2 and 4 year old…which obviously did absolutely nothing to stop the progression of their altercation. In a moment I found myself trying to quickly wipe the butt of the 5 month old who was crying and thrashing around(because what else would you do during a diaper change?) while watching the two toddlers go at it. I found myself yelling. At them, at me and ironically at the dog who was puking because of the anxiety that he experienced at the tension of that moment. So this is what I get for trying to do something different? I irrationally thought as the guilt and sense of failure sunk in deep.
I asked God in frustration and hopelessness “Why is it so hard? If you want me to abide in your word, couldn’t you make it a little more convenient? What am I supposed to do? And how about being a mother in these conditions? How could anyone come out on the other side of this not insane?” I was angry. I never pictured my life and motherhood like this. It proved more than I could emotionally and physically handle on a regular basis. Where was the joy? Where was God in this? I had asked him to transform my heart, help me be calm in these circumstances or even CHANGE the circumstances and He hadn’t. I felt so defeated. I found myself resulting to the knee jerk reaction of doubt. I knew God existed but He must not be pleased with me because He doesn’t answer my prayers.
Fast forward four months and the only thing that had changed in all of these circumstances was that my mental health was worse. I was undeniably depressed and stuck. I didn’t like myself and I didn’t have the skills on my own to move out of that dark place. Despite the fact that I had heard lots of negative rhetoric on therapy over the years, I was desperate and I needed to reach out to someone. I was so nervous sending that first email requesting an appointment, but I had no other option. I decided, as embarrassing as I found it, I would lead with honesty.
The gist of my message to her was, “Hi, I’m depressed, I don‘ t like my life and I am so angry all of the time. I need help. Are you accepting new clients?” She graciously responded and scheduled me as soon as she could. And just like that, I had reached out for help and I felt so much better. I thought about canceling and was so glad I didn’t. Three weeks later I found myself in her office, pouring out my deepest struggles and discontentments. “I am angry all of the time. Angry with my husband, my kids and our circumstances. I know God exists but I feel like I’m not hearing Him. I feel like He’s not hearing me. Or maybe He doesn’t care. I am so miserable. I feel like I’m stuck.”
This was the beginning of a journey, that at the time, I didn’t realize would last to the present. In the last three years I unpacked childhood trauma, co-dependent tendencies, and coping mechanisms that served me well in childhood but could no longer sustain me. So we got to work. It took a lot of painful moments of self reflection, digging up the past and sifting through shame.
Eventually I was able to understand why God allowed me to go through hardship that felt undeserved. Why I would have some prayers seemingly unanswered, ones that seemed like they would align with His will, so why wouldn’t He grant them? I began to understand sanctification in a way I didn’t grasp before. For the first time the concept of forgiveness and boundaries became clear. These important things I learned became the foundation of emotional maturity that I needed in order to understand spiritual maturity in a way that was completely revolutionary.
I understand now what I was too angry and overwhelmed to understand then; that to hear from Him regularly would be to seek Him in His word, not for the answer to my current problem, not to please Him so He would bless me(yikes), but to hear what He has been conveying in His timeless word to all His people. That He is God and that when agreeing to salvation we were also agreeing to surrender. This includes our childhoods, our shame, our politics, our family, our pride and our theology. He will take all of the things that you thought were right and worthy of holding with a vice grip and turn it on its head. All this so that we may be transformed, in the deepest sense, so that we become more like Christ.
To think this all started with some podcasts and the desire to read again. He certainly knows how to get the ball rolling, doesn’t He? He was answering my prayers, although I didn’t know it yet. It’s in the darkest valleys that we can grow the most, however, growth isn’t guaranteed. So we must keep doubting toward Him(as Bobby Conway would say). We keep asking Him the hard questions and bringing our doubts and praying “help me in my unbelief.” We keep asking for His wisdom and showing up in His word and in prayer and in repentance and He will reveal His love and wisdom in ways that we cannot imagine in and of ourselves.
I share this story as someone who felt shame over my story for a long time, knowing that I couldn’t measure up. Now I know that there is no more condemnation for those in Christ(Romans 8:1) and my story along with so many other believers is part of our witness to each other and a world still wrestling with shame and condemnation.
All this to say…
Short story long, this is my way of letting you know that I did indeed eventually succeed at reading more and being healthier. Although, my health cannot be accredited to reading alone, rather, reading with the intent to grow in Christ and heal so that I may become a better vessel. I learned to read my bible daily and it is my favorite habit. I also learned to read for pleasure again! And as I’ve talked about this in other posts, it isn’t because my circumstances changed(they have, a million times over but not for convenience sake) but because my perspective changed and I, by the grace of God, chose perseverance. So here I am now! About to tell you that I will be revealing in a couple of posts the books I’ve read in 2022 and what I most highly recommend, what I probably could have skipped and what was inspiring to me.
I am so looking forward to sharing the books that kept me deep in thought and entertained this year. I hope that this gives you a new book to look forward to or inspires your own reading list to grow. Or maybe it’ll inspire you to reach out for help and rest in His grace through the process of healing. Whatever it inspires in you, I hope you know that I’m praying for you as readers and that if you doubt toward Him, He will answer you.
Blessings,
Lyndsey
The Crunchy Vagabond 