Throughout the last year and a half I have been sinking into deeper honesty about the life I’ve built around me, why I’ve made the choices I’ve made, and where do I go from here. Some people view this as self destructive. Personally, I’m choosing to view it as an honest inspection, deconstruction and rebuild process for my life.
I haven’t led a traditionally “rebellious” life, if you will. I have a personality type that lends to people pleasing. Childhood Lyndsey was eager to please and tried hard for a while to be exactly what I was supposed to, but I always came up short. I don’t say these things to raise myself up in self righteousness, nor do I do this to put down those who have known themselves to be strong willed or a tad on the unconventional side(we like you around here). However, I have found myself the victim of heavy criticism, judgement and slanderous gossip in the unfortunate circles that I have been raised in or chose to be a part of over the years. Labeled wayward or prodigal. I have come away from many Sunday interactions genuinely questioning if I am a throw away person. So with this my question is, what measuring stick were they using to judge, label and convince themselves that I was not a fellow image bearer?
I spent most of my childhood in church. I remember as a young child growing up with a draw to scripture, a love for learning and defending truth and a true heart for the Jesus of the Bible. In my childhood mind I, of course, was going to choose the Savior who already loved me. I didn’t want to go to hell, but more than that, I had a natural love for people and the word.
As years passed, I grew. Accumulating trauma and painful experiences that stripped me of the “child like” faith. Hard questions and doubts arrived, that I didn’t know what to do with. In moments of bravery I chose to ask these questions and they were met with shallow responses and attitudes that questioned the genuine-ness of my faith. So I learned to keep my mouth shut. I continued with resilience(a personality trait that has served me both positively and negatively).
By the time I was 18 the tensions of the questions unanswered inside of me, coupled with the tensions of my childhood church environment boiled. I was angry. So I finally said “enough” and left the church I had once called my home. I expressed frustration and sought answers to these hard questions(sometimes ungraciously, but I know with certainty that God empathized and pardoned me even when Christians wouldn’t).
It’s taken a journey of about 10 years to answer some of these difficult questions that I have had about biblical womanhood, toxic church environments, the validity of scripture, and the issue of presenting secondary and tertiary interpretations of scripture as core doctrine and salvation determining(and at the very least a reason to look on fellow image bearers with condescension). I have spent a lot of time coming to an understanding of the true nature of salvation through Jesus and deconstructing fundamentalism, extra-biblical teaching and legalistic living. Not that I didn’t have beautiful examples around me influencing me for the true gospel but those examples were drowned out by the arrogant, over powering, unrelenting voices and examples.
In adulthood I found myself in yet another church with a blend of genuine believers and people who made their own rules for righteousness(and expected others to follow). The environment of the inner circle vs. the “consumers” or those who were “not committed enough” was divisive and painful for many. I found, yet again, an example of why so many find themselves questioning the validity of the gospel, as it’s being used against them to justify cruel, cold, un-Christ-like behavior. Also, who amongst us responds well to shame and disunity as the motivator for getting involved in church? Certainly not me and I can only imagine most of the general population. And so, we found ourselves(my husband, 3 children and I) yet again, churchless and feeling an overwhelming homelessness.
As I have taken inventory over the course of the last year and a half I have noticed major foundational damage in the most important relationships around me, including but not limited to my relationship with the body of Christ. Instead of continuing to turn a blind eye to this(or think that if I just alter, yet again, who God has made me to be) I will choose honesty. Part of that process has looked like leaning into these relationships and truly listening to what I’m being told(not inserting my own interpretation based on my desire for them to love me). I poked the rotting parts, examined damaged foundations and watched as some of the most important relationships in my life crumbled under the pressure of honesty. My heart has been rubble in this process.
However, I know the importance of pressing on and allowing myself to grieve, instead of choosing avoidance and allowing myself(and ultimately my family) to be abused and perpetually damaged by these painful situations.
Simple but truthful things that I’ve learned through this process:
Hard things don’t equal bad things or things to avoid. It’s not wrong just because it hurts. We can face truth while we’re still afraid.
In the name of truth I will also address the difficulty of taking inventory of your actions in life. You will have to stare your own abusive tendencies in the face. You may have to remember who you have harmed along the way and who you are vs. who you want to be. For some of us we also must be honest about actions we’ve taken to create the life we know around us. This may be the most difficult part. We have to understand that we haven’t even lived up to the standards that we’re setting for ourselves or others. I urge you not to stop there. Keep trekking. Sometimes the most healing thing for our hearts and souls can be choosing to look our own poor behavior and sin against others in the face. Instead of burying it in the box of unmentionable things in our brain and shoving it on the back shelf to be quiet, we examine it. We can choose to humble ourselves, ask for forgiveness and make plans for reconciliation(if it can apply to your situation). Ultimately this will lead to us being able to forgive ourselves and to better pursue different habits for our lives.
This is not instructions from someone who has executed all of this perfectly. However, this is from someone who has endured much over the years. When we ask for wisdom from the Lord the Bible says he’ll give it to us(James 1:5).
My final thoughts on this subject; James 1:2-4 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
Some of us have experienced this passage as a means to silence us when we are suffering. It’s been quoted by believers who forget their call to bear each others burdens(Galatians 6:2). However, if you can press through with me for a moment and keep leaning into the truths of the gospel, despite the gaslighting and invalidation you have experienced, I truly believe that God will faithfully meet you with His grace and truth. Scripture regains its hold on our hearts when we remember the intentions of the great author and know the contexts for which it’s written.
My adult years have been wrought with pain, processing trauma, invalidation, gaslighting, sexism, objectification and many other painful experiences. However, I wouldn’t choose to erase anything(or for the sake of others comfort, pretend it didn’t happen). God has humbled me, given me perspective and grown me in empathy for others. These character developments wouldn’t have happened without the hard things that I have experienced thus far. I can rejoice in the trials I’ve faced because I’m looking back on them and seeing fruit. I can maintain this perspective for the future amongst the messiness that plagues me now. I can also be gracious and empathetic with myself in the trials. We were made to be complex beings with complex emotions. We do not have to deny our emotions(Jesus didn’t) and pretend that they don’t often contradict each other. There is grace that covers us in this fallen world, while we operate in imperfect bodies. His grace is sufficient. It’s made perfect in our weakness.
For those who don’t have a church home at the moment, here’s an encouraging word:
Psalm 139:1-10
“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all of my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven you, are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.”
Continue reading this passage in your bible. Continue pursuing your identity in Christ. You are not a dead body behind a hypothetical church bus. You are a disciple called to proclaim the gospel.
The Crunchy Vagabond 